100 Ways Not to Write a Percy Jackson Fanfiction
by Clara Fonteyn
Summary: Tired of flames? Want reviewers? Watch your eyes open in wonder mirror required as you see exactly and we mean exactly! what's wrong with your masterpiece! Harsh, strong, and will make you cry! We have 100 collected ways to make your writing better!
1. No ttle, hlp, no flms, 1st fanfic 1 11

**Exactly how NOT to write a good Percy Jackson fanfiction.**

_By the "wonderful, wonderful" _Clara Elizabeth Fonteyn.

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Sick of flames? Having issues with no readers? Although your story is absolutely perfect (in your own eyes, at least) I'm _quite _sure that there's at least a few things you can do to improve it.

So read on and watch your eyes open in wonder (is that possible?) as you realize:

_**Your story probably S*U*C*K*S!!!**_

"Wait," you ask. "But you just said that my story was perfect!"

Ah, young one. That's where you have been misled. I said "In your own eyes." That means:

_**Your story probably S*U*C*K*S!!!**_

…to everyone except you, at least.

Face this fact of life. The faster you do, the better. So start now.

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Alright, moving on. If you're still alive after realizing the fact that:

_**Your story probably S*U*C*K*S!!!**_

The get prepared to hear much, much worse.

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We'll start with the FIRST thing people notice: the summary and title of your story. Along with your story, your summary probably sucks as well. Sad, but true.

First of all, let's have a mini-lesson in biology. Pretend there's a lovely flower--or video game, or book, or whatever you would prefer-- in front of you. What draws you in? What makes you think it's lovely?

The colors, of course. You like the way it looks. You like the way it sounds. Whatever the case may be, you are attracted by the outward appearance, aren't you? Of course you are. Everyone is.

If you want me (or anyone, for that matter) to read your story, then you have to make it appealing. FOR THE GODS SAKE, DO NOT--**DO NOT WRITE CRAP IN YOUR SUMMARY FIELD!!!**

A few things to remember:

1. DO NOT write, ever, "I suck at summaries." or "Horrible summary."

Now you'll ask "Why? It is true, after all."

The answer to that is, "WHY DO I WANT TO WASTE MY TIME OPENING A FIC I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT OR WANT TO READ?"

Ahem. How calm.

I know it sounds harsh, but it is true. And I'm putting it nicely, compared to a lot of other people on here. I don't have time to write anymore, but I do have about half an hour of free time in which I like to read fanfiction stories. If I'm not interested in the story, then I won't read it. That's obvious, right? Good. You get my point then. Don't write "I suck at summaries." or "Bad summary" or "Summary inside". Why? Because I don't feel an urge to open a story that I don't know anything about/am not interested in.

And believe me, neither than the rest of the world. So just don't do it!

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2. Don't write rubbish such as 'asgas' in the false hopes that someone will open your story out of curiosity. It is more likely that they will open your story to flame you.

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3. Don't write stuff like 'Dis is, lyk, my 1st story so lyk no flms." Why? First of all, I HATE text speak. I hate the way it kills the English language. I can tolerate it when people are using it IN text messages or IM's (instant, not iris) but if I see a fanfic using that kind of language, I'll report it.

"But," you interrupt (rather rudely). "But we're talking about the summary, not the _story_."

First of all, smack yourself for interrupting. Yes. Bad person! Now, listen.

_If the summary is like that, then why wouldn't the story?_

That's the kind of reasoning people use. That's why it's _very_ important to use proper grammar, spelling, and punctuation. And don't give me the bullsh*t about "But grammar's only for school."

Go ahead. Try that sh*t on the rest of the world. See what they think.

And yes, I did actually get mad enough to swear. It's very rare for that to happen.

(By the way, you should use proper grammar, spelling, and punctuation in a request to someone to read your story for the same reason.)

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4. Don't EVER, EVER, EVER write either of the following in your summary: "Don't flame" or "My first fanfic" (or heck "No flames because this is my first fanfic". )

I don't give a crap if this is your first fan fiction or your billionth. I'll judge you EXACTLY the same way. Even if this is your first fanfic, hopefully it isn't your first time writing something in your life.

And if you're 13+ and it _is _the first time you've ever written anything, classwork included, then you deserve to be flamed.

Don' t flame is basically an incentive to flame, simple as that. Reverse psychology.

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Now for the title.

Don't write something like "Can't think of a title" or "Suggestions welcome" or "No title".

Why?

Would you read a book that was titled, "Can't think of a title"? Of course not! It's dumb. Believe me, any stupid, cliché, overdone title is better than "No title" or the like.

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Ah, my dear friends (or perhaps enemies) this is the end.

Well, of this chapter. :D

So…see you next time on "How _not_ to write a Percy Jackson Fanfiction"…

And don't forget that:

_**Your story probably S*U*C*K*S!!!**_

The "wonderful, wonderful" Clara Fonteyn is leaving, ladies and gentlemen! Save your rotten tomatoes and stones until the reviews!


	2. Oh gods the 'M word'

**How not to write a Percy Jackson fan fiction**

_By the "wonderful, wonderful" _Clara Fonteyn

*****

I recently saw a poll asking what the top five things were that I disliked about fanfiction (the website, not the actual concept). One of the first I clicked was 'Mary-Sues'.

Mary Sues? What the hell are they? Well, you could go with the wiktionary definition—A fictional character (especially in fanfiction), usually female, whose implausible talents and likeableness weaken the story—or you could go with mine.

Hell.

I like my definition better. It's easier to absorb.

"Okay," you ask. "So it's some horrible character that makes the story suck. What does that have to do with my angelic character?"

*****

There you have it. You said 'angelic'. And that ties in to the first type of Sue, who I can also refer to as The Perfect One.

Yes. It sounds _Twilight_ worthy. That's because I looked to Isabella Swan for inspiration for this first one:

The Perfect One is, in a word, _perfect_ (no frickin' duh!). (S)he either knows all about the gods or knows nothing about them. (S)he learns fast. (S)he's an excellent fighter. (S)he's gorgeous/handsome. (S)he's a child of the Big Three, or dating one (or both). (S)he's so smart that she makes Annabeth Chase jealous—no, wait, (s)he's so smart that she makes_ Athena_ jealous. She's so pretty that she makes Silena Beauregard jealous, even though she died in the last book.

Oh, and one more thing: this Sue always, always, always has a gorgeous name. Like "Isabella Marie Swan," or "Fantasia Sunset Mist" (credit to Gummy Bijou)

Are you starting to get it? Do I need to go on? Oh, I need to go on? Well, you could look at the description of Isabella Swan again. Or you could go read a few fanfics in the PJO section. Honestly, sadly, it doesn't really make a difference.

*****

Have you ever seen those Zwinky ads? Like, they say 'cartoon yourself'? There's a picture of a normal human being, and then there's a little cartoon image with the same color hair and same color eyes, only they look prettier. The clothes look to be about the same color and shape, but they look…cooler. It's you, but it's better.

That is pretty much the entire deal with YOU SUE! Yes, the second kind of Sue is the self insert Sue. It's like you stuffed yourself into your story, but on the way, you got…improved.

Think about it. You might have normal blue eyes and black hair that's always frizzy, or is too short to really do anything with. But, in the story, the blue eyes are "flashing blue, sapphire with a touch of blue sea underneath." The hair is "Black like ebony, gleaming and glistening no matter what the sun is like." It's always "Styled in a gorgeous hairdo, making her looking angelic" (there's that word again!). [See: Purple Prose].

I think this might be because everyone wants to look good and pretty and amazing all the time…but is it really possible? Hell no! And believe me, if you portray your character as such, your reader will _hate_ it.

See what I'm talking about?

*****

This is the last one, I promise.

"Chiron, Chiron," Percy's calls ring through the camp. "There's a strange girl here! She's been in the ocean, and she's on the shore. She's coughing up water like mad!"

"Who's with her?" asks Chiron.

"Annabeth's looking after her, with Will's help."

This is what will, no doubt, happen next:

This mysterious girl will be unclaimed. She'll be somewhat ugly—normal, ugly hair, a crooked nose—whatever. She'll room with Percy, for some half thought-out reason. Annabeth will start to get jealous. Mystery girl will start falling for Percy. Percy will say that he doesn't like her. Annabeth will hear this and eventually, Percy and Annabeth will make out, preferably in Percy's cabin or on the beach. This may or may not lead to a very awkward lemonade-ish scene.

The girl will start to fall for Nico! She will start to show affection for him in a stalker like way, and then ask Percy for advice (since Nico and Percy are as close as brothers!) Percy tells her, and she hugs him in gratitude. Annabeth sees this, and after giving Percy the cold shoulder, she slaps him.

Meanwhile, Mystery Girl goes to Nico and makes out with him. This may or may not lead to a very awkward lemonade-ish scene.

Annabeth sees this and goes over and slaps mystery girl. Mystery girl cries, Annabeth cries. Nico gets mad. Annabeth says, "Percy deserves better than you!" Nico explains what is happening. Nico and Mystery Girl pick up where they left off. Annabeth goes off to cut herself, or some such activity.

Percy is feeling depressed. He is sitting on the beach. Annabeth approaches him and apologizes, but he is too angry and does nothing. Alternatively, he is glad she came back, and the two proceed to make out (again) which may or may not lead to a very awkward lemonade-ish scene.

In a break they take "for breath".

"I love you, Percy," gasps Annabeth.

"Annabeth…I love you too."

**Meanwhile in the Hades Cabin**

"I love you, Nico," says Mystery Girl.

"I love you too, and I'll love you forever."

Now the author will end the story, and ask for reviews one final time.

Meanwhile, my remaining brain cells will despair and commit suicide.

Do you see something wrong with this story? Such as, the Sue, while she is not all that bad characteristically, is doing things that are done by every other OC in this community?

Ponder on that, my friends.

*****

Oh, there a few more, like the dreaded daughter of Percabeth one. That one is just pathetic. Usually, the kid doesn't have dyslexia, or if s/he does, it's very light. Blonde hair, green eyes, a gorgeous, angelic person. Percy is usually not in the story, but the kid is raised by Annabeth. It is later revealed that Percy is a god.

Or, Percy and Annabeth are both around, and are caring, loving parents who indulge their daughter/son's every wish like the genie in Aladdin.

Honestly, I can't decide what's worse. You decide.

*****

If any of this sounds like your character, then honey, put down the pen, stop typing madly away, and go listen to Michael Jackson. I suggest "Bad." (What other song starts off with "Your butt is mine"?)

Okay. Are you done?

Good.

Now seek out one of the billions of Un-Sue-in' guides out there on the WWW (that's the World Wide Web for all the smart ones out there) and utilize it right now, please.

Thanks.

Oh, and don't forget to listen to "Bad."

*****

Please save your flames/rotten tomatoes/stones until the reviews.

_The "wonderful, wonderful" _Clara Fonteyn _is on her way out, people!_

*****

**Today's vintage song: **_**Bad**_** by Michael Jackson.**

I'll be doing those in every chapter from now on out! :D


	3. Why I strongly dislike Valentine's Day

**How Not to Write a Percy Jackson and the Olympians Fan Fiction**

_By the "wonderful, wonderful" _Clara Fonteyn

***

I'm like an ostrich sometimes, really I am. For example, I had stopped reading Percy Jackson and the Olympians fanfictions for a long time, in the wild hopes that they were getting better. I buried my head in the sand.

Today, I looked at Thea [space here] 47's community.

I flamed a few stories.

And then I laid my head on my well worn and beloved keyboard and cried.

That's right. I cried. You can even ask my mom. I also said many, _many_ four letter words that you better not ask my mom about.

Then, I talked to myself for a while. My conversation went like this:

"Clara, come on. Get up and stop crying. So there's a bunch of brain-dead eleven-year-olds on this community. You've guessed that. Come on. Stop crying and do something about it."

After swearing (and crying) at myself, I sniffed a few times and got to work.

And that is how, lucky reader, you got this chapter.

***

Today we are looking at a prime example of failure in this community: romance.

Please gasp now. You will probably not have a chance to later on.

Done? All right, let's continue.

Romance; love…what is it? Floating on air? Dancing on water? Kissing in the moonlight? Making out in random places?

All this, according to the Percy Jackson and the Olympians Fanfiction Community, and one more:

Bullshit.

Yes, that is what you've made it.

*With your "Seaweed Brain" and your "Wisegirl."

*With your Athena/Poseidon rivalry standing in the way of Shakespearean 'true love'.

*With your random, awkward lemons in random, awkward places.

*With your two young lovers making out after an intense fight (with each other or with monsters).

*With your girl getting jealous of Rachel Elizabeth Dare.

*With your Daughter of Poseidon (Mary Sue) falling in love with Nico.

*With your Rachel Dare falling in love with Nico.

*With your Thalia Grace falling in love with Nico.

Shall I go on, or are you satisfied? Are you convinced? Are you persuaded that this is not _love_, this is not _romance_?

Do you get it now?

Let me break it down further:

1.) Percy Jackson and Annabeth Chase—at least, not the Percy Jackson and Annabeth Chase _Rick Riordan_ created—do _not_ call themselves "Seaweed Brain" and "Wisegirl" on a minutely basis. In fact, Percy said in _The Demigod Files _that "Wisegirl is kind of a lame name…"

Um, yeah. Just…no. Don't do it.

2.) Athena is not a power-hungry, maniacal, Hitler-like woman hell bent on destroying Percy Jackson's romance with Annabeth Chase. Do not portray her as such. In fact, in _The Last Olympian_, she said that she would give Percy a chance.

3. ) We'll go over this one in greater detail in another chapter, but the Percy Jackson and Annabeth Chase _Rick_ _Riordan_ created do not randomly fall into bed and make mad love after a rather mysterious party at Camp Half-Blood.

4.) After Percy Jackson kills a monster that was going to kill Annabeth Chase:

"Oh Percy, I love you."

"I love you too, Annabeth!"

*Smooch*

Or after Percy Jackson and Annabeth Chase have had a BIG fight:

"Percy, I'm so sorry. I can't live without you."

"Annabeth, I'm sorry, too. I love you."

*Smooch*

I hope you are able to see what is wrong. If not, then please hit your head with a hammer until you lose consciousness.

5.) "I made cookies for my dearest darling Perseus Jackson, but that mortal (w)(b)itch Rachel Elizabeth Dare made _blue_ cookies. Now I am incredibly sad because Percy loves her more than he loves me. No, wait, he hates me!"

Just…no.

6.) After my horrible past life that involved an insane/sexually abusive stepfather and dead mother, I have arrived at Camp Half-Blood, where I meet my half-brother Percy Jackson. I am gorgeous and extremely talented. I make Annabeth Chase jealous. Heck, I make _Silena_ _Beauregard_ jealous, despite the fact that she died in the last book.

But nobody really knows me: I love Nico DiAngelo, despite the fact I have seen him all of three times. He is so mysterious and heartbroken and something…

7.) Despite the fact that Rick Riordan portrayed me as somewhat of a rich spoiled brat, I have had a horrible childhood, and Nico DiAngelo promises to make it all better.

8.) Because Nico and I both have black hair, people have apparently decided that we like the same music and have THE EXACT SAME personality, so now I pant after Nico DiAngelo madly.

And just for kicks, Nico's thoughts during the last three: "I wonder what's for lunch? AHHH! Save me! Fangirls, whose name can be abbreviated as FANGS!!!"

Aww…poor Nico…

***

Did you get the message?

Okay, you're asking me the bottom line. And the bottom line is this: PJatO is a series written for teens and preteens. It has romance, but light romance. It is hard to take these characters, and keep them in character in a heavy romance.

Seriously, if you want to write romance, by all means, go ahead and write it. Please do.

But for God's sake, if you want to write _romance_ romance, instead of _light_ romance, consider Twilight. It'll be a lot better for you. It's not that bad, really. You might like it. But hey, you have a brain. I assume you are able to make your own decisions. I can't tell you what to do.

So, the basic, bottom line, take home message is: In the case of PJO, write _light_, _in character_ romance. If you write it at all, which is not necessary for a good one-shot or story.

***

So anyway, I will see you next time on **How Not to Write a Percy Jackson and the Olympians Fan Fiction!**

_The "wonderful, wonderful" _Clara Fonteyn_ is on her way out! Save flames/rotten tomatoes/stones for reviews, please! _

***

Today's vintage song: _Stupid Cupid_ by Connie Francis. I thought it was kind of fitting, considering.

Today's useless fact: It is two days after April Fools' Day, 2010.


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